Thursday, September 2, 2010

How I learned to stop worrying and love Bill Gertz

It's Thursday, so that must mean more fun with everybody's favorite "geopolitics editor" at the Washington Times! Hooray, it's "Inside the Ring!" Here are this week's stories:

1. CHINA IS RAPIDLY FUCKING US UP IN SPACE! Thanks to our commie Muslim president, the Chinese are doing WHATEVER THEY WANT in space, including FLYING TWO SATELLITES CLOSE TO EACH OTHER. According to an exclusive quote from one of Gertz's legion of in-the-know analysts, "the [satellite] rendezvous appears linked to the military, which is in charge of the all [sic] space programs in China."

Wait, it's linked to the military?! The same military that's "in charge of the all space programs in China"?! But how could that be?! And how did these expert analysts derive such a conclusion? Is it because the military is in charge of the all space programs in China, so by definition, a China-related thing happening in space is almost certainly linked to the military??!

2. WARS ARE WON BY KILLING PEOPLE, NOT PLAYING PANSY GAMES WITH HEARTS AND MINDS! Take, for example, the "Covert Kandahar war" that GEN Petraeus tells Gertz "began in earnest over three months ago;" that covert war "has featured a very high optempo and has taken a significant toll on the enemy." (NB: "Optempo is shorthand for the pace of operations," adds Gertz. "There's certainly no way I could've made this information clear by writing it as 'a very high [operational] tempo,' and so I had to give you that little nugget of information as an editorial aside from a national security expert." Ok, I made up the second part of that quote.)

3. OUR CHAMBERLINIAN APPEASIONIST PRESIDENT BACKS DOWN TO CHINA AGAIN! The USS George Washington, which Pentagon spokesman Geoff Morrell recently noted would be exercising in the Yellow Sea, though not necessarily at the earliest possible opportunity, has NOT BEEN INCLUDED in exercises to take place AT THE EARLIEST POSSIBLE OPPORTUNITY. Morrell confirms the suspicions of sane, literate people everywhere when asked to comment: "I never said the GW would be part of the next exercises, only that it would be back in the Yellow Sea as part of this series of exercises." Here's what Morrell did say on August 5th:
[Naval exercises] will once again involve the USS George Washington. And the USS George Washington will exercise in the Yellow Sea, in the West Sea. But I don’t have for you yet dates when that exercise involving that aircraft carrier will take place. But that will be -- part of the sequence of exercises that we conduct will be a return of the -- of the George Washington, including exercising in the Yellow Sea. . . I think this will take place over the -- over the next several months, over the next several months.
So again, pretty much what sane and literate people everywhere already knew. Gertz counters that sanity with yet another of his special experts; this time it's "Bill Hawkins, a consultant specializing in Asian affairs":
Failure to send the George Washington carrier group into the international waters of the Yellow Sea because of Chinese protests sends a signal of weakness rather than resolve in terms of U.S. support for South Korea.
Well SON OF A BITCH. Yet another signal of weakness to the Chinese. Between this and the satellite thing, we'd better hope it's only Arabs who like the Strong Horse!

Bill Hawkins sounds like a serious, objective guy, doesn't he? That's the kind of stiff upper lip we all need, especially the Commander in Chief! Let's see what else ol' Bill has written in the past. I'll just check out his bio at FAMILY SECURITY MATTERS. (Man, I hope Major Junior Thomas W. Smith, Jr.'s hard-hitting defense analysis has rubbed off on Hawkins!) Here's a brief listing of publications:
Shit, that is a lot of exclusives. This is definitely the guy I'd go to if I needed a comment on China and appeasement! Ok, back to "Inside the Ring" for the fourth and final EXPOSE of this week, which has to be my favorite:

4. YOU CAN CRUISE THE CARIBBEAN WITH FORMER SPYMASTERS MICHAEL HAYDON [sic, and sic the four other times Gertz misspells Hayden's name in the article] AND PORTER GOSS! For a mere $1K to $2,700 "depending on the stateroom selected," you too can be privy to lectures from "high-level folks" like Goss, who will present a talk entitled "Radical Fundamentalism and (Judeo-Christian) Western Civilization Are Irreconcilable." No word yet on whether secular humanist American culture is reconcilable with RADICAL FUNDAMENTALISM, but Gertzians won't want to miss this one.

God, I love Bill Gertz. This just made my day.


  1. Gulliver, some Lilliputian asshole has hijacked your login and posted a screed against The Washington Times' Bill Gertz! It is obvious from what Lillipution wrote that he didn't have a clue about either national security affairs or news.

  2. You all going up against the wall when the tea-party revolution sweeps Palin/Gingrich to power on a nuke Iran ticket.

    Sometimes I feellike I am living in H.S.Thompsons death-vision...

  3. The current procurement system is based on the “good ol’ boy” system and has effectively stifled innovations from the “Little Guys”. It is no longer about getting the best piece of equipment for our Soldiers, and everything about who is in bed with more politicians and blue-badgers. Unless you ally yourself with someone who already has their foot in the door, you might as well walk away from any RFPs.