Thursday, September 15, 2011

New capstone doctrine for land operations: you don't want to miss this

Via SWJ: the Combined Holistic Arms School of advanced Maneuver at the Army's Semi-Amphibious and Water Landing Training Center has published a new manual: Unified Land Operations (Abridged). Doctrine Man!!!, I don't know if this is your work, but if it is, you're a genius.

Basic Stuff
1. The world is still full of bad people, even after 10 years of whacking. This is because we haven’t been mean enough. That’s why we’re going to stop being so careful. We only need to know how to do two things – Wide Area Wandering and Whacking (WAW2) and Combined Arms Whacking (CAW).
2. Wide Area Wandering and Whacking (WAW2) is whacking over wide areas. This means that we send Soldiers out and about in small tour groups to see what’s going on and impress the not-so-bad people. Mostly this means showing them that we can wear 100 lbs of armor and ammo and still look cool. Now that we have camouflaged uniforms that actually blend in, we need to work extra hard to stand out where the news people can see us, otherwise, the Marines will be in all the pictures. Sometimes the bad people wander out and pick on us. This lets us whack them in small groups. Usually when the bad people start getting whacked, they call other bad people to come and help them. Then everybody gets really mad and if we make too much noise, the Air Force shows up with all their super-weapons and wants to whack everybody at once. That’s when the not so bad people get miffed and tell us we should leave because we don’t look so cool anymore. Unfortunately, their guys don’t look so cool because they still have to wear berets that stick out in all directions and crummy camouflage suits that don’t fit.
2. [sic] Combined Arms Whacking (CAW) is combining stuff to whack bad people. This is when the bad guys don’t get the message that they should leave and we get to use the big stuff that we got when Congress had extra money left over from the Air Force and Navy super weapons. CAW is hard because we have to try and whack bad people at the same time as the Navy and Air Force are trying to whack them. This gets really hard sometimes because the Marines show up and want to do some whacking too. Marines are like the mean little runt pit bull that runs around biting people. When he gets excited he tries to bite everybody. Usually CAW makes lots of dust and noise and everybody runs around screaming at each other and trying to be the first one that gets to whack the bad people. A lot of times the bad people sneak out in all the smoke and noise. Sometimes the bad people are in a big gang and want to chase us off. We have to be really careful then, because if the bad people even get ahead on points for a little while then the generals get really excited and start investigating stuff and making us hang around while they check everything. This is like "CSI" for us but it’s like ENDEX for the bad people because they disappear for the weekend. If we screw it up too much then the Pentagon guys come down and take away our really expensive toys.
I don't know what the story is behind this little project (pdf), but I give it an A+. Especially loved Figure 1, which you'll need to click the link to check out.


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